Whickety Whack! Get out of my Sac!

I'm only thinking of my health.

New Wife

I think I'm gonna get a new wife. I'm not kicking the current one out, by any means. I just heard about this place over in San Angelo that's having a clearance sale. Might be a good time to pick up a spare on the cheap.

Zing!

OK. Look, I'm as conservative and ignorant as the next guy, but if you're going to sit next to me on a plane, open a book penned by Michael Crighton and point to it saying, "Right there in black and white, global warming is bunk science!" WHILE YOU'RE WEARING A MAGNETIC BRACELET TO IMPROVE YOUR GOLF SWING.....

Then I'm sorry, but I'm just going to have to fart and blame it on you.

There were two of them going back and forth the whole flight, one O'RLY talking point after another. One would start the "bunk science" routine and the other would say "immigrants are driving up oil prices!"

Really? Because they're driving construction equipment to build your soon-to-be worthless McMansion? Look, you're Italian, he's Irish. I'm Dutch and English. We stole the bitch first, why don't YOU get the fuck out?

The flight ended. I got up, they stayed seated. "You guys aren't getting off in Austin?"

And OOOPS

Guess who Bill Clinton turned to for spiritual guidance after his dalliances were exposed?

Uh Reverend Jeremiah Wright-ah!! Can I getta AMEN-ah!

Seriously....shut up.

Geraldine Ferarro (who is technically the first woman to be the Biggest Loser) is now upset that Obama asked people to recognize that her feelings were a valid part of the dialogue.

Is anybody besides me starting to wonder if re-electing Reagan and Bush, Sr. might not have been the worst possible decision to make in 1984? Does this woman understand how much she is fucking with my reality right now?

A more perfect....

so I finally watched Obama's "A more perfect union" speech. At least, I think that's what they're going to call it when they start putting it in textbooks. They'll have his picture. There will be a little playback button for the speech (textbooks of the future, y'know) and it will be in a sidebar titled:

"The day that America figured out it had been sold to the corporations."

Because if he doesn't win after a speech like that it's because we don't own ourselves anymore. If Hillary doesn't say to herself, "you know, he might actually be the best person for the job right now." and doesn't hand it over, it's because we're owned. Not 'pwned' or 'pahoned' or whatever the hell the new kekeke meme is. Owned. To wit: a material posession. A plaything of our corporate masters, destined to succeed or fail on their whims, not our own self-determination. We're the chips in a poker game and to the winner's corporate sponsors go the spoils.

Jon Stewart pointed it out when he said, "and so, on a Tuesday, a politician talked to us about race like we were adults." Billary can't even talk about sex with each other like they're adults.

And now McCain is pimping his big-titted, white, Cindy-derived daughter (no sigh of the Bangladeshi-adoptee) out to GQ to remind us that voting for President is about voting for the cool guy who bought his daughter a loft in NYC. So if we vote for him will he buy stuff for us, too or is that just for the daughter he likes most?

I'm going to watch "I Have A Dream" and play Obama's audio and then watch "A More Perfect Union" and play MLK and see if they have some weird Wizard-of-Oz/Darkside-of-the-Moon synergy if I can synch them up just right.

And then I'm going to cull my eyes, deafen my ears, and cut out my tongue because there isn't going to be a more honest sentence spoken in a public forum for the rest of this Presidential race and possibly my life.

Is anybody out there just waking up?

I live in Texas. Well, in a not-entirely Red part of the world described as being "ten miles from Texas in any direction." I see a fair amount of W stickers on my way to work. There are still a lot of people who are avid supporters of the President and all his good works.

I wonder if any of those people ever come to the realization that it's not really true. That Iraq wasn't the logical conclusion of what started in Afghanistan. That privacy really is gone. That Katrina could have been handled better.

If there are any people like that, I wonder if it's like some alternate-universe last episode of the original Fantasy Island where they walk into Mr. Rourke's office and say, "you know what? This place is so pretty I'll just skip the fantasy and hang out on the beach for a week...you can keep the money."

And then Mr. Rourke is all, "No, no, no, no, no, " in that devilishly-charming rapid-fire Latin rhythm. "You see, that pineapple you are drinking from is actually full of morphine and LSD, so you will have a fantasy, Mr. Hanson, the only question is 'what kind?' Tatu!"

"Yes, boss!"

"Please show Mr. Hanson to his cage." (Suave smile)

"C-c-c-cage!?" our hapless victim chokes out.

"Yes, of course! Your body will lie in a cage, nestled in a pool of your own mixed excreta, while your mind enjoys this lush, tropical paradise! Then, shortly before you awaken, my hula dancers will fill your bowels with condoms containing a mixture of our most profitable exports. These will be retrieved by an ex-prison guard now in our employ when you return to your suburban home. One of the condoms will have a leak, so we suggest you not delay in contacting him upon your return." (Suave smile, knowing wink).

"How could anyone be so unfathomably cruel?!" our dear Hanson cries.

"Cruel? My dear Mr. Hanson, how can you possibly suggest that I am cruel? You get the most amazing adventure your mind could possibly weave, you return home refreshed and motivated, and I make a profit on you coming and going. It is after all, my Fantasy Island!"

Yeah. I bet it's just like that.