RedShirtBluePants

Sam Cox Benefit

2008-10-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

With a few edits for modesty, this is the original message from the event organizer and manager of the Cap City Comedy Club, Margie.

To All:

Consider this as me reaching out for a worthy cause close to my heart. Some of you may or may not know that Sam Cox has had a very rough run of it recently, actually, for awhile now. After his successful kidney & liver transplant over a year ago, he has since then become plagued by numerous infections and problems that eventually landed him in a San Antonio hospital for three months followed by at least a month long visit here in Austin and now rehab for a very, very long time. He was recently diagnosed with(ADEM) Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis, a rare form of MS) which affects the brain.

Remarkably, Sam is doing much better and for those that would like to give a shoutout, email He's finally at home with his wife and two sons. However, the Cox's could use some help.

So, Cap City is hosting a fundraiser for Comedy Gym and Sam Cox on Monday, October 27th. It would be great to have a "Comedy Gym Showcase" in his honor as we raise a little dough. We have a silent auction in the works, contact Kaye Ahtic & Sue Billich adriennel@sbcglobal.net. Robert Hawkins will hang for the night with hopefully more oldtimers. It would be great to have as many comedy gymers on the bill as possible. Please email me if you can perform. We'll try to fit in everyone we can.

Sam has been a unique resource for comedy in Austin. He has been a friend to all and especially me and Cap City for a very long time. I would personally appreciate your help in returning the favor.

Thanks for your help in advance,
Margie

Margie
Cap City Comedy Club
8120 Research Blvd. Suite 100
Austin, TX 78758
512-467-2333p 512-302-4826f

Venus and Serena taught me something

2008-06-25T09:29:00.000-07:00

According to this article from USA Today, Venus and Serena Williams aren't going to vote in the November election because they're Jehova's Witnesses. Apparently, Jehova's Witnesses don't vote. Huh. Whooda thunk.

That being the case, I move that we pass a shoot-on-sight ordinance for Jehova's Witnesses who knock on my door while I live there...as in ever.

Who's going to vote against it?

telco immunity

2008-06-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

It isn't that Democrats are more or less susceptible to corruption. Every politician is a human first (with the exceptions of Phil Gramm and Tom DeLay).

It's that Democrats can be bought cheaper.

http://themoderatevoice.com/politics/democratic-party/20615/but-why-did-94-democrats-change-their-votes-on-fisa/

Rest In Peace

2008-06-24T08:41:00.000-07:00

George Carlin.

Dody Goodman.

Juneteenth

2008-06-18T05:09:00.000-07:00

Juneteenth is Thursday.

My office is having a Juneteenth Potluck. Two of the four black people who work in my office are going to be out that day...planned well in advance.

I'm white. I kind of feel like Juneteenth is the kind of holiday where people like me should tread lightly. Maybe wear a t-shirt that says, "You're right, we're kind of assholes."

I don't think that it's a day when 40 white people should sign up for a pot luck with items like "good ole' cole slaw" and "mammy's fried chicken."

check one more for Obama

2008-06-17T07:59:00.001-07:00

My mom is *still* an ardent Hillary supporter.

She mentioned that she was considering voting for McCain. I said, "rather than vote for the chosen candidate of your lifelong party, you would pick a guy who married a beauty queen and then divorced her after she got in a car wreck and wasn't pretty anymore...only to marry a drug addicted heiress to fund his political aspirations? That's a vote that makes sense to you?"

She had no idea what I was talking about. I e'splained.

She's voting for Obama now.

R.I.P

2008-06-17T05:46:00.000-07:00

- Tim Russert. I confess that I wasn't that much of a Sunday-morning-bobblehead watcher but he seemed to be a bastion of journalistic integrity; one of the gold-standard sort. The kind of guy who doesn't oppose the O'rlys of the world but rather renders them irrelevant.

- Stan Winston. Did you fall in love with Edward Scissorhands? Do you remember Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise as vampires? Did Danny Devito's Penguin make you a little sick to your stomach? Then you will miss Stan Winston.

- New Orleans, again, maybe: Flood waters are cresting in St. Louis today and it's still raining upstream. I guess we're about to find out if the repairs to the levees are going to hold up.

I set the pedestal too high

2008-06-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

Anthony Bourdain is something of a culinary and cultural hero of mine. Or maybe he was. No, he still is, but his armor's a little tarnished in places.

There's an episode of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations that I had not seen in its entirety. In fact, I still haven't. I just caught a little more of it tonight.

It's the episode in Argentina that includes, among other things, a barbeque with 150 cows crucified over trench fires and a walk on a Patagonian glacier with a couple of Gouchos.

There is a scene, the one I had missed previously, on an estancia (a ranch to you and me) where Tony witnesses first-hand the process of cutting spring calves. There's the winnowing out of calves from their mothers, the branding, and some fairly graphic castration. This particular estancia favors a Hereford variant that lacks noticeable horns so Tony was spared the sawing and the ensuing bloody skulls.

Tony's little tummy got upset.

Two decades of slapping meat on a grill; a lifetime of derision spewed at vegetarians and all it takes to shake him to tears is the sight of a little blood.

Welcome to my entire childhood.

I don't claim to speak for my kin or anyone else who raised a show calf, lamb, hog, rabbit, turkey, or chicken. I can only speak for myself.

If you don't eat meat, you're a grazer. If you've never taken the life of an animal and put its carcass to your nourishment, you're just another vulture eating cellophane-wrapped carrion. I'm not saying for a second that I'm any better but to see a chef get all misty-eyed at the process of producing his raw materials seems a little naive.

If you're going to eat meat, something has got to die. For the meat to be any good, it's going to have to be castrated as a toddler and slaughtered as a pre-teen. Calves are usually harvested within a month or two of losing their baby teeth. And Tony's mistaken about the reason that the balls are taken; it does make the males more docile but, more importantly, it robs the body of testosterone which toughens the meat and leaves an abundance of estrogen which causes the body to store intramuscular fat; that delicious material known as "marbling" in the rendered product.

Food doesn't come from the grocery store. It comes from the ground. Grab some perspective. It ain't Nagasaki and you ain't Oppenheimer. It's a cow; you're a cook. Have enough respect for the creature to hold back your tears when you realize what it gets put through to make a decent meal.

Sugarpants.

New Game

2008-05-09T11:47:00.000-07:00

I know that I've posted a lot of totally misogynistic chum lately. What can I say? I'm working through some stuff. Men and women aren't equal. All men are not equal. There's a freaking bell curve, for goodness' sakes. I'm not going to sit here and make apologies or excuses for noticing the same things that comics have been noticing since the first cave man said, "Take Ookla wife...please!"

HOWEVER.

This FLDS stuff is sticking in my craw. And not just a little bit. I have friends, people who are dear to me, involved in the process of evaluating the wives and children that were pulled from the YFZ (that's Yearning For Zion) Ranch; aka the FLDS Church compound.

(I'm not going to hyperlink everything in the following tirade. I'm a smartass, not a pundit.)

- Three of those fuckers were on TV last week and one of them said, "I didn't know it was against the law" in reference to marrying girls under 18. Really???? Texas is the third state where you've set up a polygamist compound and it wasn't because things were going so well in the last two. You sure you didn't know it was at least frowned upon?

- The sect tend to hew to their own "mental health professionals" who are in the church and prescribe whatever drugs are necessary to keep women happy in their role as sperm recipients, house maids, and whore-masters to their daughters. 33% of women in the sect are on some kind of prescribed psychotropic. For the ones who never get with the program, they've set up a special insane asylum which is widely used as a threat to keep women in line.

- "Bleeding the Beast." Can't afford another wife but the 17 year old is already worn out from your first 3 kids? Make the government pay for it! After all, if you get three women pregnant and only one of them can be your wife, the other two are single moms who are entitled to gub'mint funds. Take every handout available and in this way you contribute to the overthrow of the US government. That's right. The good people of Texas and the lesser United states have paid these sons of bitches more than 5 million dollars in the last year to lay around and fuck little girls. Let's all pat ourselves on the back for that one folks.

If defrauding the government for cash actually allowed you to overthrow the government, then somebody from Halliburton would be Presiden.....................never mind.

I propose a new game. I call it "Bleeding the Mormon." I haven't worked out all the details yet but here's the basics. Every time a FLDS husband in custody gets raped by another prisoner, somebody gets a carton of cigarettes.

Unfiltered. Why not kill two birds with one stone?

Whickety Whack! Get out of my Sac!

2008-04-22T08:52:00.001-07:00

I'm only thinking of my health.

New Wife

2008-04-16T13:28:00.000-07:00

I think I'm gonna get a new wife. I'm not kicking the current one out, by any means. I just heard about this place over in San Angelo that's having a clearance sale. Might be a good time to pick up a spare on the cheap.

Zing!

2008-04-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

OK. Look, I'm as conservative and ignorant as the next guy, but if you're going to sit next to me on a plane, open a book penned by Michael Crighton and point to it saying, "Right there in black and white, global warming is bunk science!" WHILE YOU'RE WEARING A MAGNETIC BRACELET TO IMPROVE YOUR GOLF SWING.....

Then I'm sorry, but I'm just going to have to fart and blame it on you.

There were two of them going back and forth the whole flight, one O'RLY talking point after another. One would start the "bunk science" routine and the other would say "immigrants are driving up oil prices!"

Really? Because they're driving construction equipment to build your soon-to-be worthless McMansion? Look, you're Italian, he's Irish. I'm Dutch and English. We stole the bitch first, why don't YOU get the fuck out?

The flight ended. I got up, they stayed seated. "You guys aren't getting off in Austin?"

And OOOPS

2008-03-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

Guess who Bill Clinton turned to for spiritual guidance after his dalliances were exposed?

Uh Reverend Jeremiah Wright-ah!! Can I getta AMEN-ah!

Seriously....shut up.

2008-03-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

Geraldine Ferarro (who is technically the first woman to be the Biggest Loser) is now upset that Obama asked people to recognize that her feelings were a valid part of the dialogue.

Is anybody besides me starting to wonder if re-electing Reagan and Bush, Sr. might not have been the worst possible decision to make in 1984? Does this woman understand how much she is fucking with my reality right now?

A more perfect....

2008-03-19T14:34:00.001-07:00

so I finally watched Obama's "A more perfect union" speech. At least, I think that's what they're going to call it when they start putting it in textbooks. They'll have his picture. There will be a little playback button for the speech (textbooks of the future, y'know) and it will be in a sidebar titled:

"The day that America figured out it had been sold to the corporations."

Because if he doesn't win after a speech like that it's because we don't own ourselves anymore. If Hillary doesn't say to herself, "you know, he might actually be the best person for the job right now." and doesn't hand it over, it's because we're owned. Not 'pwned' or 'pahoned' or whatever the hell the new kekeke meme is. Owned. To wit: a material posession. A plaything of our corporate masters, destined to succeed or fail on their whims, not our own self-determination. We're the chips in a poker game and to the winner's corporate sponsors go the spoils.

Jon Stewart pointed it out when he said, "and so, on a Tuesday, a politician talked to us about race like we were adults." Billary can't even talk about sex with each other like they're adults.

And now McCain is pimping his big-titted, white, Cindy-derived daughter (no sigh of the Bangladeshi-adoptee) out to GQ to remind us that voting for President is about voting for the cool guy who bought his daughter a loft in NYC. So if we vote for him will he buy stuff for us, too or is that just for the daughter he likes most?

I'm going to watch "I Have A Dream" and play Obama's audio and then watch "A More Perfect Union" and play MLK and see if they have some weird Wizard-of-Oz/Darkside-of-the-Moon synergy if I can synch them up just right.

And then I'm going to cull my eyes, deafen my ears, and cut out my tongue because there isn't going to be a more honest sentence spoken in a public forum for the rest of this Presidential race and possibly my life.

Is anybody out there just waking up?

2008-03-17T19:39:00.001-07:00

I live in Texas. Well, in a not-entirely Red part of the world described as being "ten miles from Texas in any direction." I see a fair amount of W stickers on my way to work. There are still a lot of people who are avid supporters of the President and all his good works.

I wonder if any of those people ever come to the realization that it's not really true. That Iraq wasn't the logical conclusion of what started in Afghanistan. That privacy really is gone. That Katrina could have been handled better.

If there are any people like that, I wonder if it's like some alternate-universe last episode of the original Fantasy Island where they walk into Mr. Rourke's office and say, "you know what? This place is so pretty I'll just skip the fantasy and hang out on the beach for a week...you can keep the money."

And then Mr. Rourke is all, "No, no, no, no, no, " in that devilishly-charming rapid-fire Latin rhythm. "You see, that pineapple you are drinking from is actually full of morphine and LSD, so you will have a fantasy, Mr. Hanson, the only question is 'what kind?' Tatu!"

"Yes, boss!"

"Please show Mr. Hanson to his cage." (Suave smile)

"C-c-c-cage!?" our hapless victim chokes out.

"Yes, of course! Your body will lie in a cage, nestled in a pool of your own mixed excreta, while your mind enjoys this lush, tropical paradise! Then, shortly before you awaken, my hula dancers will fill your bowels with condoms containing a mixture of our most profitable exports. These will be retrieved by an ex-prison guard now in our employ when you return to your suburban home. One of the condoms will have a leak, so we suggest you not delay in contacting him upon your return." (Suave smile, knowing wink).

"How could anyone be so unfathomably cruel?!" our dear Hanson cries.

"Cruel? My dear Mr. Hanson, how can you possibly suggest that I am cruel? You get the most amazing adventure your mind could possibly weave, you return home refreshed and motivated, and I make a profit on you coming and going. It is after all, my Fantasy Island!"

Yeah. I bet it's just like that.

Bringing a knife to a gunfight

2008-03-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

Leave it to a proven loser to demand an apology for playing the race card, again.

HIllary Clinton is a Republican

2008-03-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

Remember my comments about Hillary standing on her own two feet or sitting down?

Here's somebody taking a look at how she stands. And it's to the far right.

Why democracy will never work for some people

2008-03-12T14:51:00.000-07:00

Brother shoots 19-year old sister in "honor killing".

You can't expect democracy to flourish in a place where a group's right not to be offended supersedes an individual's right to keep breathing. A guy shoots his sister for behaving badly. No intervention, no discussion, no "hey, knock it off." He shoots her in the head twice, after weeks of premeditation and clearing it with the rest of the family. I'll say that again. He cleared it with the rest of the family. I suspect the only reason he's being prosecuted is that it happened inside Israel.

All government is about power. You keep the hoi polloy happy, you keep the roads paved and the electricity on. How you go about those things is a function of how the people you are governing go about their daily lives. In China the family ancestry is paramount so it's easy to put people into a mindset of thinking about the good of the State first. In America we all think that we're born with the right to be President or a movie star so individual liberties are the battleground. Great Britain has that whole stiff-upper-lip thing so while they have a democracy they also have the surveillance state and the Royals.

But this honor thing. I confess I don't get it. This 24 year old kid uses the word "honor" to describe what he did to his sister as if it's the same word that kept McCain and Stockdale from cracking at the Hanoi Hilton; the same word we use to describe Nathan Hale on the gallows and Neil Armstrong on the Moon.

Paraphrasing Terry Pratchett, show me a molecule of honor. What does this honor look like? Why is it worth dying over and killing over? I've heard the argument (and no, I can't back it up with a link or a quote) that when you have so little, honor's all you've got left. Show me that molecule again?

What's honorable about taking the life of a blood relative and what was it that was so dishonorable about what she was doing? Why are only the girls killed and not the boys?

I can't think of a sentence starting with "These people..." that doesn't end up racist but maybe that's what I am. Maybe I'm racist and prejudiced and blinded by the notion that men and women should have the same rights (including the right to life) everywhere. Here I go anyway. These people don't want democracy. Democracy is dirty and slow and requires the adoption of weird concepts like "seeing the other guy's point of view" and "respecting peoples' rights equally". They want absolutes and swift and terrible resolution to every quibble.

Look. I'm just going to say it. The notion that we could do anything to bring democracy to the Middle East is just plain stupid. We can barely hold it together here. Mideast peace will come when they want it, the vast majority of them in unison, and not one second before. Maybe if we get off the oil teat and quit screwing with them to further our own interests, the artificial impetus to stabilize the region will let go and they can find their own peace on their own terms.

People that find it easier to kill their kin than talk out their differences won't really enjoy the Will Rogers "Sausage and government" aspect of the old Three Ring Circus, anyway.

Pimps up, hoes down.

2008-03-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

Prostitution. No other profession draws more false puffery from supposedly righteous people who then are found to be willing, active participants. There's an old saying...(well, it's a saying....well, I'm saying it now, aren't I?) That if you haven't found a politician's hooker then you stopped looking too soon.

Self-righteous opponents of prostitution point out that it's immoral, usurious to women, the destruction of the nuclear family, and utterly reprehensible. And they're right.

Equally self-righteous proponents of prostitution (including a columnist at the NRO ) argue that it's a woman's right to take advantage of her natural charms if she wishes. They point out that as long as there are ugly men with money, or wives who require bounties for sex, there will be prostitution. It's called "the oldest profession" for a reason, after all. Know what? They're right, too.

Strange, though, that libertarian John Derbyshire would propose a legalized, regulated guild-system. What's a guild but a craft-union? What's a union but socialized regulation? What's a right-winger doing taking up the cause of prostitution in the first place? Does his wife know?

Why is the solution to prostitution always to do something about the prostitutes? They are the ultimate free-marketeers, filling an existing need with a service. Why do we always throw regulations at them? They create no pollution (other than biodegradable latex waste), their jobs are not NAFTA-vulnerable (the youthful exploits of Clayton Williams aside), and no matter how hard men try to sway the market, quality of service is the ultimate determining factor. Leave the prostitutes alone.

You want to regulate and license something? Regulate the goddam pimps and license the Johns.

Make a pimp undergo a psyche eval, sensitivity training, and a legal class somewhat akin to real-estate licensing before they're allowed to take on employees. Make them pay the same taxes as my boss does to keep me in this cubicle. Hold them responsible for health insurance and paid leave and retirement.

Make anyone who wants to participate in prostitution from a client standpoint get a license. We license hunters, fishermen, air-conditioner repairmen, and hot dog vendors. You want to drive a car? You gotta be able to read that bottom line of tiny little letters, wear your seatbelt, and keep your car inspected. You want to pay for sex? You gotta get your finger pricked, prove you're safe to ply those byways, and keep your tacklebox clean.

Will there still be a black market? Yes. Will there still be slavery, degradation, and violence? Yes. But at least this way we can stop this bullshit wink-and-a-nod enforcement. We can stop going after Craigslist hookers trying to make a buck and focus on rich men importing and addicting slave girls. For every streetwalker that gets a night in the hoosegow there's a little Asian girl who will never see daylight again because she gets used up and all she ever wanted was a ticket to America.

Plus, this way it can be a boon to families instead of a threat. If the penalty for unlicensed participation is strong enough, husbands and wives will have to talk about the subject BEFORE the damage is done. When a mid-life-case says to his wife, "Your choice baby, motorcycle license or poon-hunting permit." it may just be the only honest conversation they have about men and our dicks.

It's still all about the dick. Let's reflect that in the way we address the issue.

How low do you have to be?

2008-03-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

How dirty do you have to be to steal from a social worker?

Social worker working in HRC's campaign donates $2000. She ends up with $5200 worth of charges on her credit card. Max legal donation: $4000. Social worker asks for money back. HRC's campaign: "Let's just leave the money where it is since you're going to donate more anyway."

Social worker: "Hello, Police. I've been robbed."

HRC's Campaign staff: "Let's not be hasty here."

HIllary and Bill's Presidency, 1992-2000

2008-03-09T16:38:00.000-07:00

Hillary wants to take credit for important parts of Bill's presidency.

I have no doubt that she was intrinsic to his policy-making decisions.

Henny Youngman's wife was likewise intrinsic to his act. You never saw her using that as a launching pad to headline the big room at Caesar's Palace.

She either needs to stand on her own two feet or sit the fuck down.

Music of the Spheres.

2008-03-08T14:34:00.000-08:00

I was out of the news loop most of last week.

If there's a heaven, and I genuinely hope there is, the soundtrack got better on Sunday.

Rest In Peace, Jeff Healy. I hope you got to see Stevie again when you got home.

He was tortured for your sins.

2008-03-07T14:56:00.001-08:00

"Hey, quit making fun of John McCain. He was tortured in Vit Nam!"

So said an unruly heckler.

Really? I nominate Jose Padilla for President. Oh, right. He was tortured BY this country, not for it. McCain was not less tortured in 2000 when you rednecks believed Karl Rove's whisper-campaign that he had fathered a bi-racial child. It didn't give him a free pass then.

Also, while we're at it, why would it really matter if he'd fathered a bi-racial child? Is it that he must have supposedly had sex out of wedlock or that he dirtied himself with one of the mud people that bothers you more, you (imaginary) jackanape (in my head)?

Vice-Admiral James Stockdale was tortured in Viet Nam, too. His wife started the organization that led to that black flag, the one that says POW/MIA, that you tie to the back of your shiny new Harley. In fighting for her husband, she dealt a bigger blow to the North Vietnamese than Air America (yes. wild speculation. I'm not a lawyer, just a jawjacker).

McCain's wife Carol (oh, wait, he divorced her to marry a rich woman who could fund his political career)....McCain's wife Cindy owns one of the largest Anheiser-Busch distributors in the country. She's part of the reason you can dull the pain of your sad life with a six pack while you watch your little cars go around in a circle on the toob on Sundays.

I wanted McCain to win the nomination in 2000. I wanted him to be worthy of the mantle that Stockdale had to lay down. He wasn't then. He isn't now. The fact that he's a better man than I am and has withstood more than I ever could doesn't change that. I'm not running for President.

2008-03-07T07:22:00.001-08:00

In the early days of Hoover's FBI, a young White House intern who knew all his calls were being overheard would answer every call by saying "Fuck Hoover, how may I help you?"

I propose we start answering every phone call this way: "Harry Reid is a spineless douchebag...."

From ABC's story:

The Senate on Tuesday approved new rules for government eavesdropping on phone calls and e-mails, giving the White House much of the latitude it wanted and granting legal immunity to telecommunications companies that helped in the snooping after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.

Howdy.

2008-03-07T05:25:00.000-08:00

I have taken a cue from my friend Joe about separating out the wheat from the chaff in my blogging life. I have other blogs where I document the minutiae of day to day life and the occasional sarcastic comment. This blog will be restricted to political and philosophical commentary.

So let's get started.

Dear John McCain,

I saw you accept President Bush's endorsement on TV on Wednesday. Tell me, does his dick feel better down your throat today than it did up your ass in 2000?

Dear Hillary Clinton,

I saw your speech about women being better able to clean up messes left by others. Hmm. Seems to me I remember a stubborn protein stain that didn't come out in the wash quite like we thought it was going to.

Dear Barrack Obama,

Thank you for not being Jesse Jackson.